We bought a House! OMG!

*Deep Breath In*

We bought a house in Yorktown today! Look at this beauty:

Photo by Coldwell Lundsford

First, let me just say, yes, this happened very, very fast. No, we didn't mean to jump into this. We thought it would take several months to find a house. But, you know me. I never do anything the way MOST people do things. I've always been the type of person who knows immediately when I find "The One." J., however, just kind of goes along with whatever. He doesn't usually get emotionally attached to things. We went to the open house Sunday and as soon as we pulled up we both went "ohhhhhhhh." The picture doesn't do it justice. The brick is BRAND NEW, as are the windows. You walk in to a very grand entrance for this price level. It's a bi-level home, so the foyer splits into two stair cases.

Upstairs, there are three bedrooms, a living room, dining room, bathroom, and kitchen. Downstairs, there is a fantastic open space that will be perfect for a media room, but also for an entertaining space. We want to put a bar cabinet in the corner for when we have people over. It will be great to finally have somewhere to hang out with friends. There is also another large bedroom downstairs, which will probably be our guest bedroom (aka B's room, when J's best friend comes to stay).

We also have a 1.5 car garage. It has plenty of room for not only MY car, but also lots of storage! Luckily for J. we have a long driveway and a street to park in :). The other huge plus the yard. Wait till you see it! We have a HUGE deck AND a big yard with a privacy fence.

Really, it's the perfect starter home. J. loves it, I definitely love it. It's move in ready for us, with a few projects to make the house our own. The hardwood floors need to be refinished and sealed. That's something we are planning to do shortly after we move in. The bathroom floor also needs replaced, as the laminate has cracked. We have an allowance upon closing to purchase the flooring of our choice for that room. My kitchen needs the most work. The cabinets, while real wood, are mauve and are outdated. To start, I'll repaint and change the handles. Probably change the color of the walls too. But, I have high hopes for that kitchen and would love to add more cabinets and maybe add a breakfast bar. That will come later though, probably in a few years. We want to add another bathroom eventually, to increase the resale value later. I'm really looking forward to these projects. I've been dying to get my hands dirty for a year now, I even helped a friend of mine paint her house because I was so restless to decorate my own home! Some of you are rolling your eyes right now but I really am looking forward to have a chance to make my own home.

Unfortunately, we still have a long road ahead. We don't close until August 31st. J's gone for most of August and I'm going to be staying in a teeny tiny little studio apartment behind my office. I have to do some marathon packing next week and get everything into a storage locker. I'm taking the bare minimum with me to the apartment, basically my mattress and my computer and some paper plates. Maybe some clothes haha.

*Deep breath out*

It's about tiiiiiiiiiime (clap clap clapclapclap)

Wow, I graduate next weekend. That's crazy. And the Monday after, I start my official full-time job. All this change has me thinking about the past few years.

When you tell someone you're a student, they have one image--short skirts, lots of beer, sleeping until noon. They picture the hostess at Cheeseburger in Paradise, driving around in Daddy's shiny new car. They see such an easy life, full of dates and parties. I know several stereotypical college girls, and while it's definitely not all fun and games, they definitely live in a completely different world.

(Now, before I get a bunch of angry comments, let me just say, I have nothing against the stereotypical college girl. My sister happens to be one of them, and she works REALLY hard. All I'm saying is that there are a lot of things about college life that I do not understand, mostly Greek traditions. Have a conversation with K. and she'll tell you I would NEVER fit into her sorority!)

Sorry about that tangent, I'll get to my point. My college career has been anything but easy. I have never been the traditional college student. I'm far to introverted. The first two years I spent curled up on my bed with a book. Then, my sophomore year I got a job as an after hours customer service rep and dispatcher for a local plumbing company. That same year, I met J. Those two took over. I loved my job, I felt like I was actually doing something productive. And you all know what happen with J. :). Anyway, about the same time, I started taking my business courses, and that's when the real disdain for college started. I LOVED my core classes (well, except astrology and math). But I never saw a point in the business courses. I made the mistake of being a Business Administration major, instead of something more specific. The major has no plan. I had to take a few classes in each department, but there was no real direction. I have had a very hard time connecting what I'm learning in accounting to what I'm learning in human resources. And throw in finance and it's all over (literally. I failed my last finance class. Upper level theoretical analysis of investments just could NOT take root in my brain, no matter how much I studied).

My junior year, I really started to feel awful about school. While I've never been the smartest person in my class, I've always felt somewhat intellegent. But that year I really started to feel stupid. Add to that the fact that J. was in Iraq and my main source of support was now limited to 1 line emails and 4 minute phone calls on tapped lines. It was a rough year, but I made it though. But I wanted to quit. Ask anyone. I just wanted to drop out, I would NEVER make it though my senior year. I was beaten up. But, I'm too stubborn to quit with only one year left.

Then I took that finance class I mentioned above. I also got married the same semester. It was awful. The decreasing confidence I had was completely dashed. I was exhausted. But I had one semester left. And luckily, I only had 3 electives and 1 business course (and 1 10 week internet course to replace the finance class, but that wasn't a big deal). Which really shouldn't have been bad except I've been sick more this semester than I've ever been. I even ended up in the ER a few weeks ago.

But now, I'm almost there. I'm going to make it. I'm going to walk across that damn stage (and then wait a month for my diploma to arrive). Then, I'm probably going to burn my books and notebooks and Ball State sweatshirts and anything else related to college. Ok, not really. But I will clean out all of my notebooks. And then I'm headed out of town, with or without my husband, depending on if he can get off work. But either way, I'm out of here. Going down to visit my cousin in North Carolina for a few days. And I'm taking AN ENTIRE WEEK OFF. 7 whole days! I didn't even take that much off when I got married. I'm really really excited! Can you tell?

Networks

My fellow business students can attest to this: Today's world is all about networking. Almost every professor I've had tells us to start expanding our networks, and every time I get online, there is yet another social networking site to join. And I do, because I'm an addict and I can't help it. From Facebook to Twitter, from LinkedIn to Last.fm, everyone is meeting new people online. How many times a day do I get on and change my Twitter status? Some say way too many, but by using sites like Twitter, I am able to converse with people outside my small town Indiana network about cooking, housekeeping, beekilling, etc. I get questions answered from people all over the world. I have friends in Florida who cook, in Arizona who plumb. I have a friend in Ireland who worries about my health, and my "Twitter Mom" in Bluffton who looks after me too. I've met people with different experiences than I have had (for some reason I really like to follow moms on Twitter, as well as their blogs). For the most part, it's all in fun, and most of the conversations aren't serious. But sometimes, somebody's real life is touched by their online life. Who starts a blog about their family expecting it to be a door to crucial funding to save babies' lives? Or who would imagine that a celebrity would notice a regular joe's status update and help them get the psychological help they need? Just a few examples.

So whether you like to post your recipes on Blogger, or just use facebook to post pictures of your latest drunken excursion, take a moment to notice the people around you in your social networks. You may be touching their lives more than you know.

Anniversaries

You know, when I was a little girl, I wanted nothing to do with anything feminine. I loathed dresses, bows, the color pink, even JEANS were too girly! I LIVED in those colorful windsuit pants that we all wore in the 90s (come on, you know you had some). I wanted to be able to run around and race the boys. I was SUCH a tomboy! I mean really, I didn't even know how to pull my hair back in a ponytail until I was in middle school. My mom always did it for me, to make me look presentable in public. I just plain didn't care. While my sisters played with Barbies, I played with Tonka trucks and Breyer Horses. I bragged that I could run across our gravel driveway without shoes on and it didn't even hurt!

I hated dolls. I never saw the point in them, I thought they were silly (never mind that I had a huge collection of stuffed animals. THAT was different!). I hated babies in any form, flesh or plastic, it made no difference. I had a birthday party when I was in second or third grade and one of the girls gave me a cabbage patch doll. I threw a fit because anybody who knew me at all knew that I hated dolls. Poor girl, she left the party crying! I feel bad now, Cabbage Patch dolls are worth a fortune! (ok so that's not the only reason I feel bad.)

Along with my hatred of babies, I also swore I would never get married. I had no sense of romance back then, I wasn't one to giggle over the cute boy in the class. I was best friends with the cute boy in class! And I could run faster than him too! I was going to be a successful jockey (or something horse related), and I would have no need for a husband.

Flash forward a decade. I became reacquainted from one of those boys I used to race around the school yard, and we fell in love. Six months ago today, I married that boy. He drives me absolutely crazy, but I'm crazy about him! I'm still trying to figure out this whole domestic wife thing. It doesn't help that I'm a full-time student and have an all but full-time job. Most of the time laundry sits on my floor until I have time to fold it, and I don't always get my dishes washed at night. My mom will be disgusted when she reads that, but for me, those aren't the most important things in my life. Dishes and laundry come second to quality time with my husband, and trying to keep myself from getting burnt out. Sometimes, I just have to unwind in the evening, instead of working even more. I'll figure out the routine eventually.

Calling all healthy people

Here's the deal. I am sick of being sick all the time. I am so unhealthy right now and I need help figuring out how to get my body back where it needs to be. The way Jordan and I are living right now is obviously not working, so I'm coming to you guys for help.

I'm in my last semester of college, taking 12 regular hours and 3 online independent study hours. I have a very demanding job that takes soooooooooo much of my time and energy. On top of all that, I'm struggling to figure out the housewife thing. I'm not a natually domestic person. I hate to clean and with my busy schedule it is hard for me to get into the routine of keeping the apartment tidy, and cleaning really stresses me out.

The kitchen is the one place I don't get stressed (well most of the time anyway). I'm getting better at creating menus two weeks at a time, so I can buy all the ingredients I need, to minimize our grocery bills and the junk food we eat during the week. I try to cook with fresh, healthy ingredients. 

So you see the general picture. The stress from going to school full time and working so much has just beaten down my immune system. I have been sick more days in the past month than I can count. My job isn't one where I can call in sick very often, especially when I'm sick on the weekends, like today. Migraines rule lately, along with colds and digestive issues that really hinder my ability to go about my day. As much as I would love to go to the gym every day, it's just not an option, and by the time I get home at night, I'm exhausted. I do ride horses once a week, but it's not enough. I've gained 15-20 pounds in the past year, and I just feel disgusting.

Help me please! Any suggestions on ways to motivate myself to exercise, vitamins you take that make you feel great, tips on how to keep my apartment less of a mess, anything would be amazing. I've gotta figure something out or I'm never going to make it until graduation. I'm losing the battle with stress, and I know I have much less crises than a lot of other families do right now. Thanks guys!

Change?

Much to my cousin's dismay, I've never been one for politics. While it's hard to miss the headlines that roll across my Reader every morning, I never really read the articles. I find it all really fake. After the past two years of the campaign, I'm really sick of watching commercials that sound like something out of the Burn Book from Mean Girls. Last night, the only election coverage I watched was Indecision '08 with John Stewart and Steven Colbert. And even then, I fell asleep and missed half the show. I woke up just in time for Obama to be crowned. I went to bed in the middle of McCain's pity party speech.

All that said, I find myself contemplating the election this morning. All over the place, people are terrified or ecstatic. On my Reader and the blogs, on Twitter and Facebook, statuses have been rolling across the feeds this morning. I saw one that said "This is the first time I've ever been proud to be an American." Someone else said that they opened their window this morning and could feel the change.

I'll tell you what change you feel. The leaves are changing colors. They are falling off the trees. The temperature is getting cooler. The only change you feel this morning is the season changing. On my way to class this morning, students were still hurrying to class. Traffic still moved too fast on Riverside. My husband still sat on the couch searching Careerbuilder for a job. Drains still needed cleaned out, my cat is still insane.

It's like people thought that things were going to change over night. That because the election was last night, everything is different this morning. But Bush is still President. For the next 2 months. And even when Obama is inaugurated, change is not going to happen overnight. It takes months, sometimes years, for laws and policies to change. Problems appear overnight. Solutions do not.

I have no idea whether Obama will be bad or good for this country. I have no way of really knowing if McCain would have been better or worse. Only God really knows what the future holds for us. That said, we have to wake up. Go back to work, school, life. Keep making your own way. I can guarantee no politician, Democrat or Republican, not even Libertarian, is going to save you. Business is still going to go through its cycles. There will be good times, there will be hard times. The only thing we can do is our absolute best. We have to keep fighting, no matter what happens. Change doesn't happen over night. We have to work hard for it.

Some last minute wedding thoughts

I know I said I probably wouldn't blog until after the wedding, but I lied. There's a few things on my mind and I figured it would be a nice little update. Here goes....

Wow. That's the word that just keeps going through my mind. We have 5 days left! This thing called a wedding is really going to happen! The feeling is a bit overwhelming. While Jordan and I only got engaged about 11 months ago, we've been thinking and talking about getting married for a much longer time than that. It's always been that thing we are going to do in the future. It's now not really so far in the future anymore. We met with Pastor Bell yesterday evening, he kind of walked us through what we were going to be doing (a great idea for you future brides out there, meet with your officiant before the rehearsal. It will take so much pressure off!). It just made the whole thing so real. We were both pretty choked up by the time we left the church.

What's really strange about the whole thing is that the closer I get, the less stressed out I seem to be. I've been all but losing it the past month or so, but in the past few days I've been pretty relaxed. Sure, there are a few last minute details to put together, but for the most part, everything is done. I go in for my final fitting tomorrow, and actually get to take my dress home! I have my rehearsal outfit, I've started packing for our minimoon. 

Basically, I had to force myself to snap out of the funk I've been in. I've been so worried about all of the details of the wedding, and school and work, and everything else going on right now, that I really haven't enjoyed any of the planning process. But last week, after a long conversation with Mom on our way to Indy (and back and all the time in between), I finally got it into my thick skull that it doesn't matter that work has been super stressful lately, or the economy has crashed, or there has been so much drama with the bridesmaid dresses. For one amazing day, it is all about Jordan and me. I know that as soon as the moment comes when we first see each other, everything else will melt away. It will be just like that first night we really knew each other, when we laid out for hours on top of Christman's SUV and watched the stars. There was such a peace that night, not really a "love at first sight" moment, but just a peace of mind that said "this is it, this is what it's supposed to feel like to really connect with someone."

We've grown so much since then, our relationship has gotten much more complicated, and there's been more drama than stars in that bright sky. Still, we've gotten through a deployment, a devastating loss, and so many other smaller troubles. He's still the one I want to come home to at night, the one I laugh with, cry with, yell with. The one who rubs my feet when we're watching Mythbusters and eating leftovers on a night when I've been pushed to my limit. The one who drives me nuts when he mixes the white laundry with the blue jeans or puts an empty ice pan back into the freezer. I can't wait for him to drive me crazy for the rest of my life :). We're going to face at least one more deployment, many more devastating losses. I'm going to have to fight him every morning when he chooses Doritos instead of granola for breakfast. But he is going to be the one I jump up and down with when I FINALLY get this damn diploma, the one I'm going to share my beignets with in NOLA, the one who's going to hold my hand when I'm having my babies and every happy moment after. For all his "Oh Jordan" moments, he is such a strong and sturdy rock in my life and I can't wait to go through life with him holding my hand.

Phew, that was a lot longer than I planned. 5 days left people. LET'S DO THIS THING!!!!

Oh my tainted childhood...

I remember, long ago, when ever I would indulge in a chocolate cake, my mom would always come around and give me a spit bath to wash off the extra crumbs. I thought this was the grossest thing ever, and I'm not usually squeamish about germs.

This product his hilarious. Everyone I know went through this experience, now they have a product based on that all purpose cleanser known as Your Mom.

Wedding Bands

I've only had one class so far today. The professor was 7 minutes late--Trust me, everyone was counting and watching the clock. I've always been a loner in classes, I usually read or write while waiting for the prof. However, most of my peers have gotten to know each other though various clubs and groups, and they were anxious to catch up after the summer.

Being the casual (and to others, though I don't mean to be, creepy) observer that I am, I overheard a conversation that amused me. Two young men, also in their senior year (it was a 400 level class), were talking about their summers. One of them noticed a band on the other's fourth left finger.

A: "Did you get married this summer?"
B: "Yup I did!"
A: "Hey, so did I!"
B: "When was your date?"
Reader note, I don't remember what day it was. I'm not THAT creepy. The conversation only caught my attention because I am obsessed with all things wedding right now.
B: "You beat me, that's 1 month and 14 days before mine. But my ring is so much better than yours."
A: "I bet mine was much more expensive though."
B: "Probably not, I paid 4-500 for mine."
A: "Mine was 6!"

They went on to discuss metals and decision process they went through picking out the rings, things they were getting engraved on them. I gradually tuned them out and went back to reading Lolita. Still it struck me as amusing because here were two male college students, talking in detail about their wedding. While I'm used to women gabbing about every detail imaginable about their ceremony, it's a rare treat to hear two grooms doing so. B has a good start, he is already counting days since his vows, hopefully he'll be able to remember that date next summer, and plan a very special first anniversary. As technical and egotistical as their conversation was, you could tell from the affection in their rough male way, that they both really loved the woman they married. I hope that Jordan brags about our wedding the way these two men did.

First Day of the Last Year

It's finally here--Senior year. Most of you know that I have had Senioritis for almost a year now. I have been so frustrated with school, Junior year was hell. I know that I have a career path in place, and I'm so anxious to begin. Unlike most of my business college peers, I don't have to go through a grueling set of interviews, career fairs, and internships. I don't have to worry that I may be working at the same amusement park that I've worked with for the past nine summers, because I didn't get that big internship with an accounting firm last year. I have a great start at a rapidly expanding company, in an industry that is here to stay. It may not be the glamorous suit and tie corner office job in New York that so many of my peers are striving for, but it is perfect for me. It's difficult, it challenges me more than I've ever been challenged. I work with amazing people (with one or two exceptions), who work hard AND play hard (as evidenced Saturday night). We are a close-knit team and we've got each others back. It's a great environment to work in, and it is giving me a great amount of experience in many different areas. I know that even if I don't become a "Mr. Rooter Lifer"--as a tech called me the other day--I will be able to find a great position in a company in any area of the Midwest. Jordan would love to move back to Bluffton, and while I have my doubts about that, I'll be prepared to get a good job there.

All this knowledge has me so restless. I want it NOW. I don't want to struggle through another horrible year of juggling work and school and classes. In October, the wedding planning will finally cease, and this year, I don't have to continually worry about my deployed soldier. But different challenges face me this year. In 54 days I will be newly married. I'm learning to run my own household, which most of you know is not an easy task for me. Last year taught me to stand on my own two feet, and do things without help. But now, there is two of us. I have a husband to cook and clean and care for, one who is facing some serious challenges himself right now. Thank you, Lord, for finally giving David the peace he has been needing for 15 years. In 54 days I will officially be a "non-traditional" student, thought I've felt that way for awhile now. We've moved off campus, for a reason. We are going to be looking for another church, a Muncie church. While CCH holds a very dear place in my heart, Jordan and I need to find a home where we can build fellowship with other married, local couples. It's going to be a difficult transition for me, because I have so many close friends at CCH and I want to be able to be a part of all of those amazing activities. But I watched someone I loved dearly struggle with transition last year, and I am trying to learn from her pain.

So here we go. It's the last two semesters that I will be a student. The end is in sight. Finally.

Question of the Day

Where is your favorite place to be alone?

We have a balcony at our new apartment and Jordan surprised me last week with pretty wicker patio furniture :). I love to sit out there after a long day and catch up on my RSS feeds, read a book (currently it's Lolita), and write. We have a pretty good view of the sun going down, and on a cool night, I like to sit out there and unwind before I have to cook dinner and Jordan comes home.

It's a nice way to escape from Keira, who frequently attacks me (She adores Jordan, but for some reason, thinks I am a scratching post. Seriously, check out my arms and legs. It's ridiculous. She just tried to bite my ear off while I'm typing this.) Unfortunately it's too hot and muggy to sit out there tonight, so I sit here with her climbing all over me. I wonder if I smell like catnip or something.

Hm...tangent...

ANYway, it's so nice to have a place outside to go. I'm shielded from the sun, so I won't get pre-marital sunburn. It's also nice to meet some of the neighbors, who walk and play in the lawn below me. The people in the apartment directly below us, while a little rough around the edges, are very friendly, we'll often swap funny stories of the day.

Question of the Day

What's the biggest leap of faith you've ever had to take?

Jordan and I had been dating a grand total of a month when we found out he would be deployed in March. The feelings we had for each other were already really strong, but how do you know after a month whether or not you will last through 2 years of military hell. I'll never forget the night he told me. I was devastated. It was a difficult night, debating between what my heart was telling me and what my head was telling me. In the end our hearts won and we stuck it out. It's not been an easy 2 years--it's been filled with so much heartbreak and pain, definitely something we are hoping we don't have to go through again. But our relationship is so much stronger now and I know that our marriage will be a happy one.

Miles biked: 8.358 in 1 hour

Question of the Day

What is your favorite time of day and why?

Evenings. I come home from work, and have time to wind down and make dinner before Jordan comes home. Now that I have a bike, I can take off and ride for an hour and get a good workout in before I need to start dinner. I just got back from a ride and I feel fantastic, albeit a little tired and sore since it's only my second day out.

No matter how much I love him, Jordan can be a bit overwhelming if I don't have that wind down time. My job is so stressful that I need do to something to calm my mind, whether I sit down to read, copy down a recipe, or listen to the Dawn and Drew Show while riding on the Cardinal Greenway.

The two or three hours before he gets home has also given me a chance to really cook. I can try out new recipes (more fail than succeed though) and Jordan and I can sit down for a real meal at the end of the day. No, 9pm really isn't the ideal time for a big dinner, but we both really enjoy good food and having a few moments of quiet together to share about our day.

Miles biked: 6.68 for 1 hour

6 unspectacular quirks about myself

1. I collect pigs! Right now the collection is small, only a few stuffed animals, but I hope to grow it with time. And now I have a place to put them--in my apartment office!

2. I go through food craving cycles, where I will be hungry for the same thing for about a week. If I don't get that food, I go crazy and will eat everything in the house until it is met. For example, this week has been macaroni and cheese. I should just go buy some, but it isn't good for me, so I've been trying to just eat a slice of smoked gouda when the craving hits (as opposed to the 75 slices of Kraft processed cheese that Jordan eats), but it is not working and so I still feel hungry (even after an entire meal).

3. I love pens and notebooks. I try to journal regularly, often just so I can write with a pretty pen in a pretty notebook.

4. I also LOVE stationary. Unfortunately, there are so few occasions to handwrite a letter anymore. Anybody want a pen pal?

5. I change the background on my computer every day or so. Really anytime I come across a neat picture. Sometimes a few times a day. Thanks to Google Reader, that number is increasing.

6. I am OCD when it comes to my books and music. I keep an Access database for the books I should read (currently at 790), and the books I have read (227), and the music I want to download (224). I alphabetize the books on my shelves, and separate the ones I need to read from the ones I have read. In Itunes, all of my music has to have a title, artist, genre, and rating. It really irritated me that when I got a new computer I had to redo all of my ratings and playlists.

Pretty Journals :)

I'm trying to journal more. I mean old fashioned, pen and paper journaling. There is such a comfort in writing all my thoughts and feelings. While I am learning more about blogging, I still prefer a more hands on approach for my more personal writings. I've always thought there was a book in me somewhere, but I haven't found it yet, so I keep writing.

Maybe actually writing in a used book would help. Probably not, but this is still an awesome idea. Attic Journals takes old hardcover books and turns them into notebooks. I especially love the themed ones. For example, Attic suggests using Being Born for a new parent's diary to record the "firsts."

Vows

What TO say to a military sig

I've posted lists after lists of things not to say to someone whose soldier is deployed. One of my military sigs finally came up with a good list of what TO say!

1) Ask how he's doing. I may be dealing with this deployment, but I am ALWAYS more worried about him than I am myself... ask about him.

2) Tell me that you don't get it. Admit that you don't understand what I'm going through, rather than trying to come up with a comparison, because there really isn't one.

3) Tell me you'll listen... whenever, wherever. I read an article tonight that said "Grief lasts so much longer than most people's sympathy and patience." Granted, that was in reference to losing your soldier, however, it is also true in this situation. Many people think that it gets easier, or goes away, with time. I never stop missing him, and I never stop worrying about him. Please be there to listen.

4) Tell me we'll go out, just the girls. Being the 3rd/5th/7th wheel is not only uncomfortable, but also sad and lonely right now. I need girls nights now more than ever.

5) Understand that I may not be "in the mood" to go out. It's not that he told me I couldn't, it's that sometimes I just don't want to.

6) Give me time and space to deal with all of this... seriously, although I haven't been pregnant I'm pretty sure the emotions I'm dealing with would be fair competition to it, but remind me that you're there.

7) Be yourself around me. Just because I'm sad doesn't mean I'll be offended if you're not!

Science is Making Men Obsolete

Apparently, "they" are working on a new project that will produce sperm from women's bone marrow. How do people come up with this kind of thing? "Oh, I think I'll turn this marrow into baby makers today."

How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.
23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.
27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.
40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.

Aninimal Human Hybird...

Who really thinks this is a good idea? Note that they say that a human embryo will be injected into an animal egg in which ALMOST all genetic material will be removed.