My Better Half

My ex's father once told me that the phrase "other half" was stupid and made no sense. You can't fall in love with someone else until you yourself are whole. Looking back, I know what he was getting at. He was telling an insecure teenager that she needed to love herself before she could expect anyone to love her.

However, I tend to disagree with him that the phrase is silly. Any Army wife knows EXACTLY what that phrase means. Maybe not so much when he is home. But his absence, whether it is one night, a week, a year, is felt so much more than his presence. I can't explain the feeling, other than to say it feels like a piece of you is missing. Something is off. I feel restless, uncomfortable, insecure. It's different from when he just works late. I know he's not coming home tonight, and because of that, I am so, so lonely.

I will not miss this chapter in our lives. I hate going somewhere and being asked by every single person, "Where's J.?" He was supposed to come with me to the wedding today but of course, it was drill weekend. There's nothing worse than attending a wedding alone. It's sort of fitting, because he was absent the entire time I lived with N. and was active in the Campus House. Still, I wanted him to be there.

Ok, I'm going to go to bed now and stop whining. Sorry for this little rant. He'll be home tomorrow night and I will feel so much more at ease.

3 more years...

Reading: Watership Down by Richard Adams

Anniversaries

You know, when I was a little girl, I wanted nothing to do with anything feminine. I loathed dresses, bows, the color pink, even JEANS were too girly! I LIVED in those colorful windsuit pants that we all wore in the 90s (come on, you know you had some). I wanted to be able to run around and race the boys. I was SUCH a tomboy! I mean really, I didn't even know how to pull my hair back in a ponytail until I was in middle school. My mom always did it for me, to make me look presentable in public. I just plain didn't care. While my sisters played with Barbies, I played with Tonka trucks and Breyer Horses. I bragged that I could run across our gravel driveway without shoes on and it didn't even hurt!

I hated dolls. I never saw the point in them, I thought they were silly (never mind that I had a huge collection of stuffed animals. THAT was different!). I hated babies in any form, flesh or plastic, it made no difference. I had a birthday party when I was in second or third grade and one of the girls gave me a cabbage patch doll. I threw a fit because anybody who knew me at all knew that I hated dolls. Poor girl, she left the party crying! I feel bad now, Cabbage Patch dolls are worth a fortune! (ok so that's not the only reason I feel bad.)

Along with my hatred of babies, I also swore I would never get married. I had no sense of romance back then, I wasn't one to giggle over the cute boy in the class. I was best friends with the cute boy in class! And I could run faster than him too! I was going to be a successful jockey (or something horse related), and I would have no need for a husband.

Flash forward a decade. I became reacquainted from one of those boys I used to race around the school yard, and we fell in love. Six months ago today, I married that boy. He drives me absolutely crazy, but I'm crazy about him! I'm still trying to figure out this whole domestic wife thing. It doesn't help that I'm a full-time student and have an all but full-time job. Most of the time laundry sits on my floor until I have time to fold it, and I don't always get my dishes washed at night. My mom will be disgusted when she reads that, but for me, those aren't the most important things in my life. Dishes and laundry come second to quality time with my husband, and trying to keep myself from getting burnt out. Sometimes, I just have to unwind in the evening, instead of working even more. I'll figure out the routine eventually.

Tyra Banks

There really is no other title needed. I am so irritated right now.

I'm sitting in the student lounge in Whittiger (sp?). They installed a new tv in here last week. So now, instead of a semi-quiet area to read or study (or in my case, blog) between classes, now we get to listen to Tyra Banks. Ugh. She is a beautiful model, and was great at it, but who decided that giving her a tv show was a good idea?

She took a couple who was already having trouble, split them up, and sent them on individual dates with other people. Hm. I wonder what is going to happen. Of course, the girl mooned over her boyfriend the entire time, missing him, wishing she hadn't gone on this date. The guy, as expected, had a blast, and almost cheated on his girl. Throw in a steamy scene in a pool and you have a dramatic talk show. Flashbacks to Jerry Springer or Maury?

I guess what annoys me, even more so than the very predictable outcome, is what Tyra supposedly stands for. She set out to create this show to prove that African American women are strong and her race has gotten a bad rap. Now, I agree with her point. But she is destroying that image on this show today. I dunno, it all seems very high schoolish to me.

Question of the Day

What question do you hate being asked? Why?

"How's the wedding planning coming?" or "Are you ready for the big day?"

This question can be compared to a high school senior being asked "Are you ready to graduate?" Everyone who sees The Ring or hears about my upcoming nuptuals asks me this question. Seriously people, do you see the exhausted look in mjy eyes? That should answer your question. I have exactly 38 days (Holy freaking crap!) until Jordan and I finally get to tie the knot. The past 11 months have been crazy hectic. I'm always saying "It will get better when..."

...school is out and I have more free time.

...Jordan gets back from Iraq.

...we find an apartment.

...Jordan gets a job.

...we move into our apartment.

...we get unpacked.

...and on and on and on.

I kept blaming it on all of the outside factors. I've been stressed all summer. However, the closer we get, instead of being less stressed, I'm feeling even more pressure. It's not so much that I mind terribly doing weddingy type things, and my mom has helped out so much that there's a lot that I have not had to do. It's the fact that the closer we get, the more conflict there is. People aren't coming who said they were going to help. My mother in law wants to change the time of the wedding so that she can milk her cows. We should have daisies instead of mums. We have to do this, or we can't do that. Some of the things, I just shrug my shoulders at. I'm not a great event planner, and I haven't been involved in many weddings, so there's a lot I don't know. Mom has several friends who either have had their kids get married or want to be event planners, so it's been a big help. They have been able to tell us what things we need to be worried about when (and to give us the push because Mom and I are both procrastinators.) I don't want anyone to think I'm ungrateful for the help. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not good at this kind of thing. But there are some things that I struggle with that are really frustrating.

A big one that anyone whose been a round me lately has undoubtadly heard too much about is my weight. I've gained way too much since Jordan's been home. At first I didn't realize it, I've never really been one to worry about it. Then, when we went to pick out my veil and headpiece, we tried on a sample of my dress (because Lord knows when mine will be in). Now, this dress is amazing, completely opposite of what I had pictured in my head, but amazing nonetheless. However, we ordered it when I was excersizing every day with Tosha, and I had the metabolism of a 5 year old. I looked amazing, and so this dress looked amazing on me. Now, I've gained a lot of weight, and it is all sitting in my belly. Mom says I look 5 months pregnant (trust me, there's no baby in there). I've been trying so hard to diet, it's not working. We bought bikes so we could start exercising, but rarely do I have time, even if I could FIND the energy. I haven't been to the grocery store in 3 weeks because I've been so busy and tired. And I LOVE to grocery shop. The weight is not coming off like I hoped and my self-confidence is taking a hit because of it. I'm going to have to get a body sleeve, because this dress will show every bump imaginable.

Now, don't get me wrong. I can't wait to marry Jordan. To the point where he's getting tired of me asking if we can elope. I just want to be Mrs. Wall. I'm just tired of everyone telling me how to run my own wedding. This is our day. There are two days that people are going to pay this much attention to us:  our wedding, and our funeral. I won't be here to enjoy the second one, so please let me have this one day where I can have things my way.

And stop asking me if I'm ready. I'm ready to be married, I was ready when he proposed 10 months ago. But a bride is never ready for her wedding until those big doors open the back of the church and everyone turns to look at her. Then you won't have to ask me. You'll know.

Wedding Bands

I've only had one class so far today. The professor was 7 minutes late--Trust me, everyone was counting and watching the clock. I've always been a loner in classes, I usually read or write while waiting for the prof. However, most of my peers have gotten to know each other though various clubs and groups, and they were anxious to catch up after the summer.

Being the casual (and to others, though I don't mean to be, creepy) observer that I am, I overheard a conversation that amused me. Two young men, also in their senior year (it was a 400 level class), were talking about their summers. One of them noticed a band on the other's fourth left finger.

A: "Did you get married this summer?"
B: "Yup I did!"
A: "Hey, so did I!"
B: "When was your date?"
Reader note, I don't remember what day it was. I'm not THAT creepy. The conversation only caught my attention because I am obsessed with all things wedding right now.
B: "You beat me, that's 1 month and 14 days before mine. But my ring is so much better than yours."
A: "I bet mine was much more expensive though."
B: "Probably not, I paid 4-500 for mine."
A: "Mine was 6!"

They went on to discuss metals and decision process they went through picking out the rings, things they were getting engraved on them. I gradually tuned them out and went back to reading Lolita. Still it struck me as amusing because here were two male college students, talking in detail about their wedding. While I'm used to women gabbing about every detail imaginable about their ceremony, it's a rare treat to hear two grooms doing so. B has a good start, he is already counting days since his vows, hopefully he'll be able to remember that date next summer, and plan a very special first anniversary. As technical and egotistical as their conversation was, you could tell from the affection in their rough male way, that they both really loved the woman they married. I hope that Jordan brags about our wedding the way these two men did.

Question of the Day

What's the biggest leap of faith you've ever had to take?

Jordan and I had been dating a grand total of a month when we found out he would be deployed in March. The feelings we had for each other were already really strong, but how do you know after a month whether or not you will last through 2 years of military hell. I'll never forget the night he told me. I was devastated. It was a difficult night, debating between what my heart was telling me and what my head was telling me. In the end our hearts won and we stuck it out. It's not been an easy 2 years--it's been filled with so much heartbreak and pain, definitely something we are hoping we don't have to go through again. But our relationship is so much stronger now and I know that our marriage will be a happy one.

Miles biked: 8.358 in 1 hour

Best wedding toast ever!

Please Brandon, don't do this. You don't have THAT great of a voice. Still, pretty awesome idea!

Vows

What you would find if you looked up "Irony" in the dictionary

Does this strike anyone else as hilarious? I'm sure that was the point, Ellen being the prankster that she is. Ellen and her long time girlfriend are getting married, that's old news as of last week. But, they have decided to get married at the Bush ranch. Pretty sure that last time I checked, George W. was dead against gay marriage. Not to mention the hilarious dirty jokes that come to mind at the thought of this.

I stole this from a fellow Solder's Girl

You don't know, but I'm the girl who cries every morning, and hopes every night for his safe return. I'm the girl who drags herself out of bed every morning so that he will be proud of her when he comes home. I'm the girl who lies in bed longing for him to be lying nect to me. I'm the girl who sits quietly because all I can think about is that next moment when he will safely be in my arms again. You don't know, but I'm the girl with a million things to say, but not one will come out without the thought of him. I'm the girl who checks her cell phone every five seconds just to make sure I haven't missed his call. I'm the girl who stops and stares and wishes for him to return soon each and every time another man in uniform walks by.
What you don't know is that I know love on an entirely different level from most. I know the love that spans time and space; that love that most people are constantly searching for. I'm one of the girls who waits months for a single kiss; a kiss that will make the months apart worth every second. A kiss where everything in the world stops and for what seems like eternirty, you can see into that person's soul and know that without them, life is not worth living. I know that love has no age limit. You tell me I don't even understand what love is, I tell you, I know more love in one homecoming than most know in a life time. You don't know that every time he leaves part of me goes with him and part of him stays with me. You tell me that people change and I tell you, true love will always remain constant and steady. That I'm going through; you have no idea. What you don't realize is thatt I understand the true meaning of not only love, but of longing and anticipation.
You don't see, but I'm one of the few who gets goose bumps as my heart fills with pride every time the National Anthem is played. I'm one of the girls who will stand tall and stay strong on the outside, but be dying on the inside. I am one of the girls who will make friends with complete strangers for only they can even begin to understand what I am going through. You don't understand that I picture his face everywhere I go and that he is with me in everything I do. You think I don't cry anymore, that I have gotten over it, but what you don't know is that I just hide it better. You don't know the feeling of the first time you hear the word "deployment" or the feeling of his hand as it slides out of yours for what could be the last time. You don't know how much that last hug or kiss means and how important that goodbye truly is. I'm the girl you see standing alone in the corner of the airport watching quietly out the window with tears rolling down her cheeks. I'm the girl you see walking by with a disheartened face staring silently at the ground. What you don't know, is that I know true love and that no matter what obstacles we have to face, our love is forever.
You tell me that you support our troops; I tell you I'm in love with one. I'm one of the silent, but outgoing; weak, but strong; scared, but grateful. What you don't see is that without me, he is nothing and without him, I am nothing. I'm one of those girls; the girl who stands tall behind her Soldier, stands proud behind her Hero, stands strong behind her man, watching silently as he serves and defends our country.

"I Do Not Love You As If You Were Salt" by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.
Thanks to your love a certain fragrance,
risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you straight forwardly, without complexities or pride,
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So close that your eyes close and I fall asleep.

Neruda, Pablo. "I do not love you as if you were salt." http://www.michaelpalmer.net/Other%20Pages/i_do_not_love.htm.

Disney's Desparate Housewives

Found Here.

i carry your heart with me by ee cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


cummings, e.e. "i carry your heart with me." PoemHunter.com. 9 March 2007. http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/i-carry-your-heart-with-me-2/.