A Crackpipe for Coffee Addicts

It must be a sad sad day when you can't find a coffee shop on every corner to get a shot of espresso. I mean really. Not only is this invention a little pathetic, they even made it look like drug paraphernalia.

Science is Making Men Obsolete

Apparently, "they" are working on a new project that will produce sperm from women's bone marrow. How do people come up with this kind of thing? "Oh, I think I'll turn this marrow into baby makers today."

Finally! Birth control for a MAN!

It's finally here ladies. Nonsurgical birth control for a man! And it even comes complete with a remote control, men's favorite tool! Now if we can just get them over their pride haha!

"Man Dies in Crocodile Orgy"

Had to rip off the original title, it was too good to change. To me, this is a common sense thing. Don't jump into a pool of crocs having sex. I think it's pretty awful that they are killing the animals because of human stupidity. You'd be pretty mad too if someone interrupted your lovemaking.

How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.
23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.
27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.
40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.

Aninimal Human Hybird...

Who really thinks this is a good idea? Note that they say that a human embryo will be injected into an animal egg in which ALMOST all genetic material will be removed.

This makes me want to ride MITS.

I wonder if we would have the same result here in Muncie. Any takers?

Best Invention Ever!

It may not protect Jordan's packages from breaking, but it sure is great for those days when you are angry and need some release!

For all you Rednecks out there...

This is something straight out of NASCAR. And I can totally see Jordan doing something like this haha!

Pads for clothes

"Apply the slender, stick-on cotton liners to your clothes for instant fashion protection."

Does anybody else think this sounds like maxi-pads? I do. Check out what it really is.

"Thai Chilies Spark Terror Alert in London"

"London's Thai Cottage put the pow in nam prik pao on Wednesday when fumes from a huge pot of dry cooking bird's eye chilies sparked a terror alert that led police to break down the restaurant's door. Firefighters emerged from the eatery with a pot containing nine pounds of smoking peppers.

Soho residents had complained of a chemical burning their throats and the London Fire Brigade quickly dispatched a chemical response team. When I was a kid my chilihead father had the brilliant idea of making his own hot oil in the house by frying peppers in oil. So I can attest to the fact that vapors from smoking chilies do indeed take one's breath away. Thank god dear old Dad didn't use anywhere near nine pounds.

I will say however that smoking peppers do not smell at all like a chemical. Chef Chalemchai Tangjariyapoon agrees, "I was making a spicy dip with extra-hot chillies that are deliberately burnt. To us, it smells like burnt chili and it is slightly unusual."


DiStefano, Joe. "Thai Chilies Spark Terror Alert in London." 5 October 2007. Slashfood.com. 6 October 2007. http://www.slashfood.com/2007/10/05/thai-chilies-spark-terror-alert-in-london/

I knew there was a good reason I did not like these shoes!

One of the nation's largest subway systems — the Washington Metro — has even posted ads warning riders about wearing such shoes on its moving stairways. The ads feature a photo of a crocodile, though they don't mention Crocs by name.

Four-year-old Rory McDermott got a Croc-clad foot caught in an escalator last month at a mall in northern Virginia. His mother managed to yank him free, but the nail on his big toe was almost completely ripped off, causing heavy bleeding.

At first, Rory's mother had no idea what caused the boy's foot to get caught. It was only later, when someone at the hospital remarked on Rory's shoes, that she began to suspect the Crocs and did an Internet search.

"I came home and typed in 'Croc' and 'escalator,' and all these stories came up," said Jodi McDermott, of Vienna, Va. "If I had known, those would never have been worn."

According to reports appearing across the United States and as far away as Singapore and Japan, entrapments occur because of two of the biggest selling points of shoes like Crocs: their flexibility and grip. Some report the shoes get caught in the "teeth" at the bottom or top of the escalator, or in the crack between the steps and the side of the escalator.

The reports of serious injuries have all involved young children. Crocs are commonly worn by children as young as 2. The company introduced shoes in its smallest size, 4/5, this past spring.

Niwot, Colo.-based Crocs Inc. said it does not keep records of the reasons for customer-service calls. But the company said it is aware of "very few" problems relating to accidents involving the shoes, which are made of a soft, synthetic resin.

"Thankfully, escalator accidents like the one in Virginia are rare," the company said in a statement.

In Japan, the government warned consumers last week that it has received 39 reports of sandals — mostly Crocs or similar products — getting stuck in escalators from late August through early September. Most of the reports appear to have involved small children, some as young as two years old.

Kazuo Motoya of Japan's National Institute of Technology and Evaluation said children may have more escalator accidents in part because they "bounce around when they stand on escalators, instead of watching where they place their feet."

In Singapore, a 2-year-old girl wearing rubber clogs — it's unclear what brand — had her big toe completely ripped off in an escalator accident last year, according to local media reports.

And at the Atlanta airport, a 3-year-old boy wearing Crocs suffered a deep gash across the top of his toes in June. That was one of seven shoe entrapments at the airport since May 1, and all but two of them involved Crocs, said Roy Springer, operations manager for the company that runs the airport terminal.

One U.S. retailer that caters to children, Mattel subsidiary American Girl, has posted signs in three locations directing customers wearing Crocs or flip-flop sandals to use elevators instead of escalators.

During the past two years, so-called "shoe entrapments" in the Washington subway have gone from being relatively rare to happening four or five times a week in the summer, though none has caused serious injuries, said Dave Lacosse, who oversees the subway's 588 escalators, the most of any U.S. transit system.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission said escalator accidents caused more than 10,000 injuries last year, but the agency has few records of specific shoe problems. Only two shoe entrapments have been reported by consumers since the beginning of 2006. One reported in May involved "rubber footwear."

Agency spokesman Ed Kang urged people who have had problems to report them on the commission's Web site.

Crocs officials said they were working with the Elevator Escalator Safety Foundation on public education initiatives. But the group's executive director, Barbara Allen, said that's not true.

Allen said a Crocs official called her in September 2006 about possible cooperation, even suggesting the company might put a tag in its shoes with the foundation's Web address. But since that first contact, Crocs has not called, and nobody from the company will return Allen's calls, she said.

Washington Metro's Lacosse and other escalator experts say the best way to prevent shoe entrapments is to face the direction the stairs are moving, keep feet away from the sides and step over the teeth at the end.

Lacosse, of the Washington subway system, said he is personally skittish of Crocs and other soft-soled shoes.

"Would I wear them? No," he said. "And I tell my children not to wear them either."


Associated Press. "Load of Croc? Popular Shoes May Pose Danger to Toes on Escalators." 18 Sept 2007. FOXNews.com. 18 Sept 2007. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,297143,00.html

Lipstick in the Bathroom

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

"Lipstick in School." Boortz.com. 15 Sept 2007. http://boortz.com/more/funny/lipstick_in_school.html

French Fry Chips

I don't know about you guys but I think sometimes the snack food industry just goes too far. If you want french fries and are willing to eat the calories (which, I usually am), why not just go get the real thing??? Just another way to Have It Your Way, I guess.

Penelope

In the pathway of the sun,
In the footsteps of the breeze,
Where the world and sky are one,
He shall ride the silver seas,
He shall cut the glittering wave.

I shall sit at home and rock;
Rise, to heed a neighbor's knock;
Brew my tea, and snip my thread;
Bleach the linen for my bed.

They will call him brave.

Roberts, Edgar V., ed. Literature: An Introduction to Reading and Writing. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall, 2001. 980.

I heart Coffee, and you should too

"(WebMD) The caffeine in three daily cups of coffee or tea may help older women preserve their memory, a new French study shows.

Researchers included Karen Ritchie, PhD, of the French National Institute for Health and Medical Research (INSERM) in Montpellier, France.

Ritchie's team studied some 7,000 men and women aged 65 and older (average age: 74) in three French cities: Bordeaux, Dijon, and Montpellier.

When the study started, participants reported how many daily cups of tea and coffee they drank. They also noted all of their medications, since some drugs contain caffeine. Few drank colas or cocoa, which also contain caffeine.

Participants took several tests of their mental skills, including a memory test based on a list of words. They repeated those tests two years later and again four years after the study began.

Women who reported drinking at least three cups of coffee or tea per day at the study's start showed less of a drop in their test scores during the study, compared with women who reported consuming at most one daily cup of tea or coffee.

The biggest benefit was seen in the women's verbal memory.

It didn't matter if the women favored coffee or tea. That finding suggests that the caffeine was what mattered most, according to the researchers.

But caffeine didn't seem to affect women's risk of developing dementia, including Alzheimer's disease. The study may have been too short to show such a benefit, the researchers note.

What about men? The data show no caffeine benefits in men's test scores over the years. Women may be more sensitive to caffeine's effects, according to Ritchie and colleagues.

Caffeine consumption may merely be a marker of other health habits that
affect memory. Ritchie's team considered that possibility. The study's results didn't change.

Still, observational studies such as this one don't prove cause and effect. That is, the researchers didn't directly test caffeine to see whether it helps save women's memory."



Hitti, Miranda. "Caffeine May Help Women's Memory." 6 Aug 2007. CBS.com. 8 Aug 2007. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/08/06/health/webmd/main3139469.shtml?source=RSSattr=Health_3139469

Drew Carey vs. Bob Barker...

"Drew Carey, come on down! The comedian will replace Bob Barker as the new host of The Price Is Right.

The Cleveland native confirmed his new gig as the host of the CBS game show during a taping of the The Late Show with David Letterman, which is set to air Monday.

Barker retired last month after 35 years of hosting the daytime sensation, drawing a slew of replacement contenders including Rosie O'Donnell, Ian Ziering, George Hamilton and Mario Lopez.

Carey, who will also be host of a new CBS prime-time game show, The Power of 10, told Letterman that he only learned that the deal had been done a few minutes before appearing on stage.

"When do you begin?" asked Letterman, to which Carey, 49, replied: "You got me...All I know is that all the deal points we wanted got settled. And I just found out, honestly."

Last week, Carey told PEOPLE, 'I would really enjoy doing [the show], and I think I'd be good at it."

Carey had a ten-year run on ABC with his sitcom The Drew Carey Show and was host of the improv show Whose Line is It Anyway?"

Dagostino, Mark. "Drew Carey to Host the Price is Right." 23 July 2007. People.com. 24 July 2007. http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20047780,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines

Dick Cheney Assumes the Presidential Powers as Bush undergoes Colonoscopy

President George W. Bush transferred the powers of the presidency to Vice President Dick Cheney on Saturday just before being sedated for a routine screening to detect colon cancer.

With a signed letter to the leaders of the House and Senate, Bush temporarily transferred his authority at 7:16 a.m. (1116 GMT) to Cheney, who is at his home on the Chesapeake Bay in St. Michaels, Maryland, about 30 miles (50 kilometers) east of Washington.

"The vice president is now serving as acting president," White House spokesman Scott Stanzel said.

He said the temporary transfer of power will end when Bush transmits a second letter to the congressional leaders advising that he is resuming the powers of the presidency immediately.

Bush relinquished his authority by implementing Section 3 of the 25th Amendment to the Constitution. The amendment — approved in 1967 four years after President Kennedy was assassinated — has been used only twice before.

The first time was in July 1985 when President Ronald Reagan underwent surgery and turned over power to his vice president, Bush's father. The other time was when Bush relinquished his presidential powers to Cheney for more than two hours during a colon cancer scan on June 29, 2002.

Dr. Richard Tubb, the president's doctor, was supervising Bush's colonoscopy, which was being done at the Camp David presidential retreat. The colonoscopy was being performed by a team from the National Naval Medical Center at Bethesda, Maryland.

"Although no polyps were noted in the exam in 2002, age and history would suggest that there's a reasonable chance that polyps will be noted this time," White House press secretary Tony Snow said Friday. "If so, they'll be removed and evaluated microscopically."

Two polyps were discovered during similar examinations in 1998 and 1999, while Bush was governor of Texas. That made the 61-year-old president a prime candidate for regular examinations.

Snow, himself a cancer sufferer, said results would be available after 48 hours to 72 hours, if not sooner.

Snow had his colon removed in 2005 and underwent six months of chemotherapy after being diagnosed with colon cancer. On March 26, he underwent surgery to remove a growth in his abdominal area, and doctors determined that cancer had metastasized, or spread, to the liver.

For the general population, a colonoscopy to screen for colon cancer is recommended every 10 years. But for people at higher risk, or if a colonoscopy detects precancerous polyps, follow-up colonoscopies often are scheduled in three- to five-year intervals.

Associated Press. "Dick Cheney Assumes Presidential Powers as Bush Undergoes Colonoscopy." 21 July 2007. FOXNews.com. 21 July 2007. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,290263,00.html

idiots.

Toddler served booze at Applebee's

There's an "America's Favorite Neighbor" joke in here somewhere but I can't think of one at the moment.

A 2 year-old was accidentally served a margarita in his drink instead of the apple juice his mother ordered. The kid kept pushing the drink away after taking a sip and his mom didn't understand why. She opened the sippy cup and found the alcohol. She wasn't going to make a fuss, but later at home the child got sick and vomited. The chain says the incident was an isolated mistake. The child is fine now.

The reason this happened? Not only was the apple juice and the Triple sec/tequila mixture kept on the same shelf, they were kept in identical plastic bottles. Yikes.

Sassone, Bob. "Toddler served booze at Applebee's." 18 Jun 2007. Slashfood.com. 19 Jun 2007. http://www.slashfood.com/2007/06/18/toddler-served-booze-at-applebees/

I stole this from a fellow Solder's Girl

You don't know, but I'm the girl who cries every morning, and hopes every night for his safe return. I'm the girl who drags herself out of bed every morning so that he will be proud of her when he comes home. I'm the girl who lies in bed longing for him to be lying nect to me. I'm the girl who sits quietly because all I can think about is that next moment when he will safely be in my arms again. You don't know, but I'm the girl with a million things to say, but not one will come out without the thought of him. I'm the girl who checks her cell phone every five seconds just to make sure I haven't missed his call. I'm the girl who stops and stares and wishes for him to return soon each and every time another man in uniform walks by.
What you don't know is that I know love on an entirely different level from most. I know the love that spans time and space; that love that most people are constantly searching for. I'm one of the girls who waits months for a single kiss; a kiss that will make the months apart worth every second. A kiss where everything in the world stops and for what seems like eternirty, you can see into that person's soul and know that without them, life is not worth living. I know that love has no age limit. You tell me I don't even understand what love is, I tell you, I know more love in one homecoming than most know in a life time. You don't know that every time he leaves part of me goes with him and part of him stays with me. You tell me that people change and I tell you, true love will always remain constant and steady. That I'm going through; you have no idea. What you don't realize is thatt I understand the true meaning of not only love, but of longing and anticipation.
You don't see, but I'm one of the few who gets goose bumps as my heart fills with pride every time the National Anthem is played. I'm one of the girls who will stand tall and stay strong on the outside, but be dying on the inside. I am one of the girls who will make friends with complete strangers for only they can even begin to understand what I am going through. You don't understand that I picture his face everywhere I go and that he is with me in everything I do. You think I don't cry anymore, that I have gotten over it, but what you don't know is that I just hide it better. You don't know the feeling of the first time you hear the word "deployment" or the feeling of his hand as it slides out of yours for what could be the last time. You don't know how much that last hug or kiss means and how important that goodbye truly is. I'm the girl you see standing alone in the corner of the airport watching quietly out the window with tears rolling down her cheeks. I'm the girl you see walking by with a disheartened face staring silently at the ground. What you don't know, is that I know true love and that no matter what obstacles we have to face, our love is forever.
You tell me that you support our troops; I tell you I'm in love with one. I'm one of the silent, but outgoing; weak, but strong; scared, but grateful. What you don't see is that without me, he is nothing and without him, I am nothing. I'm one of those girls; the girl who stands tall behind her Soldier, stands proud behind her Hero, stands strong behind her man, watching silently as he serves and defends our country.