Sunday, June 15, 2008
Strange Product of the Day!
Ever been caught out on the golf course, too far away from the clubhouse to reach the facilities in time? Too lazy to drive all the way back in your fancy golf cart? Have no fear, UroClub is here! I wonder how the quality of the swing changes as it fills up.
Polar Bears as Terrorists?
We all know the War on Terror is, at least in part, a War for Oil. Apparently, Bush now considers polar bears terrorists. How DARE they hinder our oil harvesting in order to protect their shrinking habitat!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
What you would find if you looked up "Irony" in the dictionary
Does this strike anyone else as hilarious? I'm sure that was the point, Ellen being the prankster that she is. Ellen and her long time girlfriend are getting married, that's old news as of last week. But, they have decided to get married at the Bush ranch. Pretty sure that last time I checked, George W. was dead against gay marriage. Not to mention the hilarious dirty jokes that come to mind at the thought of this.
Drunken Video Game
I think what concerns me the most, is not that involves urine, but that it is designed for two people.
yet another stupid lawsuit
I played softball when I was a kid. I wasn't any good, but I liked running around outside (back when I had so much more energy). I never got hurt, but Kelsey, being the accident-prone beauty that she is, was always getting clobbered. I remember one time when she took a foul ball to the face and ended up with a broken nose (sorry Kels, but you have to admit it is funny now :-P). Maybe Mom and Dad should have sued the bat company for medical damages, like these people did.
To-Do Tattoo
Remember in middle school (and for some of us, high school), when you needed to remember to do some obscure assignment, so you wrote in on the back of your hand? This is like that. Only nerdy.
Pet Tanning Bed
No, your pets won't REALLY get tan, but it's an interesting concept. I'm not one to buy expensive pet products, but I do know how much my cats enjoy laying on the floor next to a sunny window.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Suffering from Facebook Fatigue? by Anita Hamilton
It started innocently enough: last month a friend sent me a virtual lily plant on Facebook and invited me to create a (Lil) Green Patch, a digital garden that would grow on my profile page, and that any of my friends could help water, weed and plant. Sounds cute, right? Not if you've recently suffered through an overwhelming slew of requests to give a grain of rice, send good karma and rate your friends on everything including their hotness, creativity, fashion sense and intelligence. I wasn't merely skeptical — I was annoyed. But I didn't want to be a killjoy — and I love plants — so I went ahead and clicked "Accept."
That is the moment I became part of Facebook's fastest-growing problem: application overload, a.k.a. Facebook fatigue. Like thousands of users before me, I started spamming my friends with requests to grow Green Patches of their own. When they did, I bombarded them with more plants and decorations for their gardens. (Lil) Green Patch is one of the 15 most popular add-on applications on Facebook, according to Adonomics.com, and it has more than 350,000 active users. It's also just one of thousands of viral apps that require you to invite your friends to participate in order to make them useful — and fun. You've seen other apps like it, including Hug Me (send friends a virtual hug or tequila shot), Friends For Sale! (yes, you can actually sell your friends to the highest bidder) and Send Good Karma (swap "blessings," "goodness" and "happiness" with friends).
The backlash is well under way. David Diggs, a junior at Michigan State University who has some 300 Facebook friends, complains, "It's annoying to get about 70 invitations a day about taking some kind of quiz or adding an application." Diggs is one of more than a million people who have joined a Facebook group that is petitioning to ban the inviting of friends on applications. (Ironically, the group encourages members to invite their friends to join the cause.) In February, Facebook responded to users' outcries by allowing people to block application invitations individually, but petitioners are demanding the ability to block all requests with a single click. With more than 20,000 add-on apps for the site, it's nearly impossible to avoid the deluge. While most users won't go so far as to leave Facebook altogether, the increase in "junk" notifications is enough to leave them feeling peeved while they're logged on. (Is there a Send Bad Karma app?)
So why do people spam their friends even though most people hate it? I could claim I was motivated by altruism — proceeds from the ad revenue generated by the (Lil) Green Patch go toward saving the rainforest — but the truth is that I just wanted to grow my garden and see how many different kinds of plants I could send and receive. If I send 1,000 plants I earn a garden gnome. Cool! (By Green Patch's own statistics, the application has contributed a mere $15,650 toward its stated cause since launching in December.)
An even bigger nuisance with using Facebook apps is that it's not always clear how they work. Tina House of Combine, Tex., says she accidentally posted a Valentine's Day greeting that said "I love you," not just to her husband, but to all of her friends, while using the application Super Wall, because she did not realize that the program defaulted to sending the posting to everyone. "I still shudder over that one," she says. And because advertisements are slickly intertwined with the apps — they often use the exact same font and graphics — it's easy to inadvertently click one by mistake. David King, CEO of Green Patch in San Mateo, Calif., says about 5% of the hundred or so e-mails his company receives from users each day are from people who are "confused."
Other users are simply fed up. Shinique Smith, an artist in New York City, says she stopped using the viral apps not because they're confusing, but because they're intrusive. "Every time you do, you have to invite 20 people, and then the next thing you know, 20 other people have invited you to do it. People send me stuff all the time. It's annoying and overwhelming."
App creators insist that people actually enjoy the invitations. "It is something very positive," says Vikas Gupta, an Amazon.com alum who created both the popular Send Good Karma and Hug Me apps, and runs his start-up Jambool out of a spare bedroom in San Francisco's South of Market district. "It is a positive action that people like sending to their friends."
For all my guilt over spamming people who don't think imaginary heather bushes and paradise plants are gifts worth giving, I feel immediately vindicated as soon someone accepts and sends me one in return. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen too often: I've only got four plants now. Won't you send me a few more?
* Find this article at:
* http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1731516,00.html
That is the moment I became part of Facebook's fastest-growing problem: application overload, a.k.a. Facebook fatigue. Like thousands of users before me, I started spamming my friends with requests to grow Green Patches of their own. When they did, I bombarded them with more plants and decorations for their gardens. (Lil) Green Patch is one of the 15 most popular add-on applications on Facebook, according to Adonomics.com, and it has more than 350,000 active users. It's also just one of thousands of viral apps that require you to invite your friends to participate in order to make them useful — and fun. You've seen other apps like it, including Hug Me (send friends a virtual hug or tequila shot), Friends For Sale! (yes, you can actually sell your friends to the highest bidder) and Send Good Karma (swap "blessings," "goodness" and "happiness" with friends).
The backlash is well under way. David Diggs, a junior at Michigan State University who has some 300 Facebook friends, complains, "It's annoying to get about 70 invitations a day about taking some kind of quiz or adding an application." Diggs is one of more than a million people who have joined a Facebook group that is petitioning to ban the inviting of friends on applications. (Ironically, the group encourages members to invite their friends to join the cause.) In February, Facebook responded to users' outcries by allowing people to block application invitations individually, but petitioners are demanding the ability to block all requests with a single click. With more than 20,000 add-on apps for the site, it's nearly impossible to avoid the deluge. While most users won't go so far as to leave Facebook altogether, the increase in "junk" notifications is enough to leave them feeling peeved while they're logged on. (Is there a Send Bad Karma app?)
So why do people spam their friends even though most people hate it? I could claim I was motivated by altruism — proceeds from the ad revenue generated by the (Lil) Green Patch go toward saving the rainforest — but the truth is that I just wanted to grow my garden and see how many different kinds of plants I could send and receive. If I send 1,000 plants I earn a garden gnome. Cool! (By Green Patch's own statistics, the application has contributed a mere $15,650 toward its stated cause since launching in December.)
An even bigger nuisance with using Facebook apps is that it's not always clear how they work. Tina House of Combine, Tex., says she accidentally posted a Valentine's Day greeting that said "I love you," not just to her husband, but to all of her friends, while using the application Super Wall, because she did not realize that the program defaulted to sending the posting to everyone. "I still shudder over that one," she says. And because advertisements are slickly intertwined with the apps — they often use the exact same font and graphics — it's easy to inadvertently click one by mistake. David King, CEO of Green Patch in San Mateo, Calif., says about 5% of the hundred or so e-mails his company receives from users each day are from people who are "confused."
Other users are simply fed up. Shinique Smith, an artist in New York City, says she stopped using the viral apps not because they're confusing, but because they're intrusive. "Every time you do, you have to invite 20 people, and then the next thing you know, 20 other people have invited you to do it. People send me stuff all the time. It's annoying and overwhelming."
App creators insist that people actually enjoy the invitations. "It is something very positive," says Vikas Gupta, an Amazon.com alum who created both the popular Send Good Karma and Hug Me apps, and runs his start-up Jambool out of a spare bedroom in San Francisco's South of Market district. "It is a positive action that people like sending to their friends."
For all my guilt over spamming people who don't think imaginary heather bushes and paradise plants are gifts worth giving, I feel immediately vindicated as soon someone accepts and sends me one in return. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen too often: I've only got four plants now. Won't you send me a few more?
* Find this article at:
* http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1731516,00.html
Saturday, March 29, 2008
An Oath to Join the Military
Found this on one of my military sig sites...most of these are absolutely hilarious!
Oath to Join the Military
All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate" cause I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise >to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."! I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (make up a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh..high and tight....grunt...cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig.... burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors' wives..... air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!" X________________ Thumb Print XX ________________ Teeth Marks
Oath to Join the Military
All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate" cause I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise >to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."! I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (make up a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh..high and tight....grunt...cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig.... burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors' wives..... air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!" X________________ Thumb Print XX ________________ Teeth Marks
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Oh this reminds me of SO many people...
Do you ever find yourself watching someone cross the street while texting and wondering if they realize that there is a semi coming towards them? Apparently, I am not the only one who thinks this is a bit ridiculous.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
What TO say to a military sig
I've posted lists after lists of things not to say to someone whose soldier is deployed. One of my military sigs finally came up with a good list of what TO say!
1) Ask how he's doing. I may be dealing with this deployment, but I am ALWAYS more worried about him than I am myself... ask about him.
2) Tell me that you don't get it. Admit that you don't understand what I'm going through, rather than trying to come up with a comparison, because there really isn't one.
3) Tell me you'll listen... whenever, wherever. I read an article tonight that said "Grief lasts so much longer than most people's sympathy and patience." Granted, that was in reference to losing your soldier, however, it is also true in this situation. Many people think that it gets easier, or goes away, with time. I never stop missing him, and I never stop worrying about him. Please be there to listen.
4) Tell me we'll go out, just the girls. Being the 3rd/5th/7th wheel is not only uncomfortable, but also sad and lonely right now. I need girls nights now more than ever.
5) Understand that I may not be "in the mood" to go out. It's not that he told me I couldn't, it's that sometimes I just don't want to.
6) Give me time and space to deal with all of this... seriously, although I haven't been pregnant I'm pretty sure the emotions I'm dealing with would be fair competition to it, but remind me that you're there.
7) Be yourself around me. Just because I'm sad doesn't mean I'll be offended if you're not!
1) Ask how he's doing. I may be dealing with this deployment, but I am ALWAYS more worried about him than I am myself... ask about him.
2) Tell me that you don't get it. Admit that you don't understand what I'm going through, rather than trying to come up with a comparison, because there really isn't one.
3) Tell me you'll listen... whenever, wherever. I read an article tonight that said "Grief lasts so much longer than most people's sympathy and patience." Granted, that was in reference to losing your soldier, however, it is also true in this situation. Many people think that it gets easier, or goes away, with time. I never stop missing him, and I never stop worrying about him. Please be there to listen.
4) Tell me we'll go out, just the girls. Being the 3rd/5th/7th wheel is not only uncomfortable, but also sad and lonely right now. I need girls nights now more than ever.
5) Understand that I may not be "in the mood" to go out. It's not that he told me I couldn't, it's that sometimes I just don't want to.
6) Give me time and space to deal with all of this... seriously, although I haven't been pregnant I'm pretty sure the emotions I'm dealing with would be fair competition to it, but remind me that you're there.
7) Be yourself around me. Just because I'm sad doesn't mean I'll be offended if you're not!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
2 years? Holy crap!
My technicians have some interesting stories about people's toilets. This is one that I have not heard of.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
A Crackpipe for Coffee Addicts
It must be a sad sad day when you can't find a coffee shop on every corner to get a shot of espresso. I mean really. Not only is this invention a little pathetic, they even made it look like drug paraphernalia.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Science is Making Men Obsolete
Apparently, "they" are working on a new project that will produce sperm from women's bone marrow. How do people come up with this kind of thing? "Oh, I think I'll turn this marrow into baby makers today."
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Finally! Birth control for a MAN!
It's finally here ladies. Nonsurgical birth control for a man! And it even comes complete with a remote control, men's favorite tool! Now if we can just get them over their pride haha!
"Man Dies in Crocodile Orgy"
Had to rip off the original title, it was too good to change. To me, this is a common sense thing. Don't jump into a pool of crocs having sex. I think it's pretty awful that they are killing the animals because of human stupidity. You'd be pretty mad too if someone interrupted your lovemaking.
Monday, January 28, 2008
How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq
1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.
23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.
27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.
40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.
23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.
27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.
40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Aninimal Human Hybird...
Who really thinks this is a good idea? Note that they say that a human embryo will be injected into an animal egg in which ALMOST all genetic material will be removed.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
This makes me want to ride MITS.
I wonder if we would have the same result here in Muncie. Any takers?
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